A lot of times at 2am my brain won’t allow me to sleep. I’m not anxious about anything, nor am I battling with big problems. Actually, nothing’s going on in my life that much, that should take away my happiness. It’s like floating in oblivion, where life seems undirected. And all you can do is stare at something blankly.
I’m sad and I don’t know why.
Isolation might be the cure. Sometimes, I don’t want to speak to anyone. I just want to go out by myself but I’m afraid to meet someone I know. I want to stay inside but I don’t want people asking me if I’m fine. I just want a place where I’m alone, or a place where people don’t care about me at all. I don’t want to engage; I just want to coexist. This is the time when I’m fully aware that I’m just breathing, but not living at all.
Nothing’s wrong on the outside but my heart feels different. And it’s a constant battle between the thoughts that if what I’m feeling is valid or if I’m just being unreasonable. Yet I don’t want to take the side that favors myself. Is it wrong to feel this way? It’s a question that I cannot give an absolute answer to, and at the same time, a question that I wouldn’t want anybody else to answer for me.
Doubt starts to creep in. Because of different thoughts flooding in, I now doubt if where I am today is really meant for me. That what I do is really something meaningful, not for myself but for other people. Am I even worthy of the things that I have? Of the comfort zones that I’m trying to stay in? The state that whenever I need something, I know it will always be provided?
Yet I am sad and I don’t even know why.
I’m losing my faith, when I’m not even under a terminal illness, nor on my deathbed, questioning about my life’s value and purpose. It might be the dread of night. The terror of the unknown. From sadness to doubt, I’m beginning to be faithless, and now, I’m afraid.
But whenever this series of wretched feelings happen, I realize that even before this sadness, everything I felt wasn’t even mine to keep. The joy and peace that I have had and enjoyed before did not even come from my own. They are feelings that are for me to release at some point. And I know that this sadness is also not for me to dwell in, for such a long time.
“He will cover you with His feathers. Under His wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness is a shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, or the arrow that flies by day. ” Psalm 91:4-5
Amidst the chaotic thoughts and confusing feelings, there is a God who understands me the most yet choose to keep me company. When I feel I am unworthy and useless the most, I have a Father who will never leave me nor grow tired of chasing me to transform me into a person He wants me to be.
I remind myself that it is not about how and why I am sad, but about what my God is capable of doing and willing to do in my life during that sadness. The moment this feeling tries to consume me, I am reminded of His love all the more; that kind of love is what I always needed, in the highs and in the lows. Even when I am empty, my source will never run out of grace, joy, strength, and faith to offer me.
…it is not about how and why I am sad, but about what my God is capable of doing and willing to do in my life during that sadness.
I rest in the truth that the love that I’ve always needed is always available for me. Even when I wanted to be alone the most, I choose to cling to this love that stays by my side.
In this dark moment, my God is my Savior whom I can trade my sadness into joy, faithlessness into faithfulness, and fear into love with. And if not for that sadness, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the beautiful life that my Father has given me.
God, chase me. Find me sooner than when I expected myself to be found. Pursue after me faster than my feet could run. Let me stumble, and be wounded, so I cannot go farther. Not into the place where you are not leading me into. Make my heart anew that it will just let this sadness bring me closer to You.
God, I surrender to You my heart, because even I myself cannot guard it well.